If you have never used Tinder, I suggest you download it before reading this article, find out how terrible it is, delete your account, and then re-download in a couple of weeks after you realize it was sort of fun and it may have a slight(very slight) chance of introducing you to someone that will fulfill all of your dreams. This will put you in to the constant cycle of being a “Tinder user”, which we all know is for the good of Society. What could go wrong with an App made to “meet new friends” by swiping right or left and judging the look of peoples’ faces on their Instagrams? Nothing. Only good things. The world will soon be saved by Tinder.
I was in Portland this last weekend for Musicfest NorthWest and I am going to put music discussions aside to tell you how my Tinder account felt about me being at Musicfest NorthWest.
As a precursor to the words of my simple yet eloquent Tinder account I would like to mention that I did in fact have a Tinder before Musicfest NW.
A letter written from my Tinder account to me:
Dear Marcus,
First of all, I feel the need to speak to you about our relationship. You created me to reflect your own personality, yet I am far more ironic, intelligent, and charismatic then you could ever hope to be. You only use me when you’re bored and I have to use so much energy from your poor phone that it is actually illogical for you to have a phone for practical reasons such as calling your mother or even somewhat practical reasons like texting your friends(the small amount that you have) silly pictures of animals. I do not like you very much, and it sickens me that my pictures and hilarious use of emojis may someday find you a significant other.
Now, for the issue of Musicfest Northwest. Though, I am unable to put these complaints in order, I feel that my point to make you realize that you are a completely over emotional wet blanket with the common sense of a bed post is more important. I will start by quoting the adorable and slightly gruesome lyrics of Lady Lamb, if you were not too drunk to remember that played early on Sunday afternoon. “There is a hunger under my skin and its ripping right through my bones.” Do you know what that hunger is? That hunger is for you to find a nice person on Tinder! Do you know why this is not going to happen? Because you are using your Tinder in Portland! This is your first damn time in Portland and you will probably not come back until your hipsterness gets out of control and you find the need to buy a fixie and move somewhere where bikes rule the road and people actually like gauged ears. I am very upset that this is our future. Back to my point however, why on earth are you trying to match with people somewhere you don’t live? It’s those damn commitment issues huh? And the lord knows you’re not going to get your lazy ass up from watching these bands while sitting in the corner like all of the people that you watched take acid, to actually meet any of these people you matched with.
When The Tallest Man on Earth sang “Love is all from what I’ve heard, but mine has learned to kill” in his awesome raspy voice under the smoky Portland skies on Sunday night, he did not mean your love for sitting is all. He meant love in general is all. You are just sitting there in love with sitting and smoking that strange caffeine e-cig that dude with the bro hat gave you.
It’s okay Marcus. Even if you did somehow convince your lazy self to get up and try to meet someone at the delicious food trucks you probably wouldn’t be successful, because you picked a festival that is chalk full of couples. It’s like everyone listened to Silver Screen by Beat Connection and fell in love with the person next to them, except you were running around trying to find free beef jerky, so even people that were ready to fall in love avoided you.
The one thing I thank you for, by taking me to this festival rather than doing stuff in Seattle, where you could actually meet the people I set you up with, is that you aren’t running into your friends from college. Don’t get me wrong, you do not have many of them, and friends are good. But, like Ryan Lewis sampled(stole) the song Scenic World from Beirut, which Beirut played perfectly while romantic fireworks sprayed behind us on Saturday night, to make Irish Celebration a decent song, your friends sample(steal) your time from me and my efforts to make you a reasonably dateable person. But this brings me back to the root cause of my hatred for you and your antics. Why are we in Portland? If I were as dadly as Belle and Sebastian were on Saturday night I would ground you! I wish I was as confusing as the direction that Modest Mouse is moving in because then maybe you would have an excuse for not listening to me and your ridiculousness.
I am excited you got to see the World At Large played live, and I am excited that this little festival was fun for you and a great way for you to see Portland, but I want you to know with thorough reasoning, why I am not happy with you. If I could, I would put a picture of a much better looking person than you on the front of our profile and give you much more exciting interests just to help you realize how many matches someone who cares can get. Matches are everything. Tinder is all powerful. Follow the red flame or you’ll be lost in a dark abyss of empty relationships.
Your loving and tender,
Tinder Account