Okay people. It’s primary season, and I need to keep up this youuuuge lead I have over all the other candidates. One of the reasons I relate to the American people so well is because of my very, very brilliant music taste, untouched by any of the other guys. I remember when Paul McCartney, yes the Paul McCartney… you know, of the Beatles… told me that my music taste is better than any other music enthusiast he’d ever met. Paul McCartney told me that. Great guy, we’ve been friends for years, he came to my wedding.
So, in order to prove to the young people at Seattle University that I’m just as hip to the game as Bernie’s folk album, Jason handed the reins of this In Bed entry over to The Donald. Good guy, Jason, we’ve been friends for years, I was at his wedding.
But what an opportunity to let the American people know of my knowledge for all of the greatest American musicians from over the years: The Rolling Stones, The Kinks, AC/DC, Elton John, Edith Piaf, The Smiths, the list goes on! I’m friends with all of them.
All of those outstanding acts from the past are what brings me to a sad, sad truth, people:
American music is not what it used to be. Believe me. Now, we just lay around in our bedrooms all day, playing our little guitars, trying to record little songs on our little computers that were made in China, drinking our chamomile tea, and singing about our feelings. Feelings! Since when has music become about feelings!
We have lost our way. Just look at Justin Bieber! I’m not a fan, but he’s a great guy, Justin, we’ve been friends since before he was famous, he came to my wedding.
So believe me, we’re misled on our path to wonderful new music, but with my help, we can get back there. Yes, we can get back to a time when music was great. Ladies and gentlemen, we can…
Make America(n music) Great Again.
Now, I have an elaborate plan to get music back to the way things were. I have been coordinating and speaking with the BEST musicogrophists in the country. How do I know they’re the best? Because I made the job up, and they’re the only ones with the title, but believe me, they are good. We’ve been coordinating to make this plan with three easy steps:
- Deport all bad musicians back to Canada. All bad musicians come to America from the North, so I’ll send them back to the land of maple syrup and that Trudeau sissy for them all to get together and start a Rush cover band called Y-Y-Zamboni.
(Another thing, people keep telling me that they think I’m friends with Justin Bieber. I most certainly am not, I’ve never met him, I don’t want to meet him, no sir, no thank you.)
- Build a wall on the Northern Border. This will be a big wall, a yuge wall, the best wall that’s ever been built anywhere to keep those Canadians out of our country. This wall will be bigger and better than the Great Wall of China, the Berlin Wall, Pink Floyd’s The Wall, Wall Street, Wally, Walla Walla Washington, the list goes on. I know the best wall makers, believe me.
- Look at that, we’ve just made America(n music) Great Again.
That’s it; those are the three easy steps. And just like that, we’ll see the music industry BOOM in America; we’ll make young stars billionaires like me once more. Thousands of people have been interviewed about how this plan makes them feel, and they unanimously say that they love it. I haven’t seen any videos or quotes, but I’m sure they’re all on board. Because, I mean, what’s the alternative? Rubio’s out, Bush is out, Christie and Carson both endorse me now (both great guys, they were at my wedding, friends for years). Ted Cruz was probably behind forcing U2 onto all of your iTunes, and Kasich hasn’t heard any new songs since “Yeah” by Usher came out.
That’s my message, take it or leave it. If you’ll need me, I’ll be hanging out with my best friend, Paul McCartney. Paul McCartney of the Beatles. Yeah, the Beatles.
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